I stood about twenty feet away. I had the choice to be on her side, but I picked his. I guess I didn’t want them to think sitting on her side would be less painful. Truthfully, it probably would have been a lot easier, but I always felt that his side was where I belonged, no matter the circumstances.

The minister stood in front of them, giving the speech that’s been memorized in my head for so long. “Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony…” That whole speech would tear my soul apart like tissue paper had I been able to hear it. The minister sounded muffled as if someone were pressing a pillow against his face, trying to keep the words in his mouth, to keep the truth down his throat.

Only today was true. I wasn’t really sure if it was happening or if I was having another dream, but I felt the reality when I greeted him before everyone sat down. It pinched every nerve in my body.

He didn’t say much. He didn’t have to.

I sat in between two of his close friends that just missed groomsmen status. They didn’t know me, but they heard enough to keep glancing over at me, waiting for me to burst into flames and settle as ashes.

When she walked down the aisle my stomach twisted. I like to think it wasn’t because of jealousy. But what else could it be? When I thought about this moment, I imagined her face as a blank canvas. It was easy to plaster my reflection onto it. This day happened so many times before. My lips were rose-colored, my hair long and wavy. Every feeling slammed up against my irises, my lashes long and curled. But actually being there was different. No blank canvas, just a beautiful face that wasn’t mine. Take your seat.

As he began his vow, I could feel myself melting, every drop of me landing like the sweat on my palms.

She spoke and brows furrowed. Did I hate her? Did I want to? I was ashamed of myself for not knowing. She had always been kind to me. She was a doll, sweet and genuine. But in the pit of my stomach I can’t help but burn with a dark feeling. It isn’t her. It didn’t have to be her. It could have been anyone else and I’d feel the same.

The minister took over. They were getting closer to that question and it was pushing against my chest. I’ve never had any guts in my life, which explains why I’m  sitting in between Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. I’m not the kind to stand up and say “WHY HER?” Would I be able to hold that in forever?

Forever. That word makes me shiver.

“We’ll make it. I’ll love you forever.”

I never thought I’d say high school was the best time of my life.

Is it cold in here?

And here it is. The minister’s eyes locked on the churches heavy oak door, almost as if to lock me inside.

“If any person can show just why they may not be joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”

A few seconds of silence felt like the 15 years we’ve known each other. But then he turned his head. He looked at me and I saw the face of the boy I spent so many years with. Everything flooded back to the surface. The first kiss, the summers at his lake house, graduation, the baby, the fight that ended it all. I forced a smile, because if I didn’t I would have broken down. Deep breath.

“By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

The minister found me sitting on the bench watching the newlyweds drive away on his white motorcycle, the same one I convinced him we’d use many years prior.

“That was strong of you. And him.”

He sat next to me. I stared at him. How’d he even know?

“Before the ceremony began, he came to me claiming he was having second thoughts. I asked him about them and he told me he was afraid he might be making a mistake. I said to him, ‘Your heart is the center of love. It’s a strong muscle, but it isn’t consistent. It will feel different things at times. But when you’re brain knows what your heart is saying is true, you can’t go wrong.”

I took this in. He was right, but I couldn’t say anything.

“Had he thought either one of you couldn’t handle this, he would have stopped it. And so would you. But you both knew all along.”

He put his hand on top of mine. Between sniffles, I managed a “Thank you for telling me.” He nodded.

As he walked me to my car, he opened my door and wished me well. But before I got strapped inside, he looked at me and said, “I’ve married many people over the years. It’s a hard vow to keep. But there’s no stronger vow than the one you’ve just made to each other.”

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